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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
This past Sunday the wife and I were invited to speak at a couple's life group (a Sunday morning group that gets together to drink coffee, eat scones and discuss life). There were perhaps 14-15 couples in attendance and the topic was marriage & family. We talked about how men and women perceive things differently; as women come from a place of love and men from a place of respect, men hear through a male filter and women hear through a female filter, how both of our natural instincts or reactions are often wrong, how good marriages take a lot of work but great marriages take even more, etc., etc. We gave various examples and discussed them with the group. At the end we told the group that in our lives our marriage comes first. It comes before children. It comes before careers. It comes before hobbies. It comes before friends & family.

My wife then gave an example of how there was a time when I had an important event going on at the same time our oldest daughter was scheduled to play in an important play-off Volleyball game, my wife chose to attend my event and sent grandparents to the V-ball game. A woman in attendance looked at my wife in shock and said "How in the world could you have not attended your child's event!? Our children depend on us! Your daughter needed your support. Your husband is a grown man and does not need you to be there for him." My wife responded by saying that what my daughter lost out on was a brief and soon forgotten memory of a sporting event, but what she learned was that her mother was first & foremost her father's wife. That she not only respects me when it's easy, she respects me when it's hard. And that she not only wants me to know she respects and adores me, but she wants everyone to know she respects and adores me. The woman's husband then looked at me and said "You're a lucky man". The room got pretty quiet. You should have seen the look on his wife's face.

My wife actually stayed after and talked to her for a while. She walked away with the impression that their youngest child was almost ready to leave the house and without kids to hold them together, they might be in trouble.
 

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Excellent post, Sentry. I still remember when we got married, 33 years ago, a very good friend (my karate instructor) told me that if I forgot all else to always respect my husband in front of other people. And I have always tried to do that.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Before I was married I was standing out in the parking lot of the PD with several fellow officers and our shift Lieutenant. The LT's wife pulled up, rolled down her window and said "Did you forget something? Don't tell me you will get me a ******* coffee if you aren't going to get me a ******* coffee. You're about worthless." then drove off. After she was gone he said something like 'stupid ***** can get her own coffee'. We all forced out a fake laugh to make the uncomfortable silence come to an end. I remember thinking that I would never want to be in a marriage like that. Not too many years later they divorced and he moved to Illinois with another woman. Apparently he was having a long time affair.
 

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Before I was married I was standing out in the parking lot of the PD with several fellow officers and our shift Lieutenant. The LT's wife pulled up, rolled down her window and said "Did you forget something? Don't tell me you will get me a ******* coffee if you aren't going to get me a ******* coffee. You're about worthless." then drove off. After she was gone he said something like 'stupid ***** can get her own coffee'. We all forced out a fake laugh to make the uncomfortable silence come to an end. I remember thinking that I would never want to be in a marriage like that. Not too many years later they divorced and he moved to Illinois with another woman. Apparently he was having a long time affair.
I've known lots of people like that. I just don't understand it. If I'm going to complain to or yell at my husband I do it in private. Not in front of anyone else.
 

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I've known lots of people like that. I just don't understand it. If I'm going to complain to or yell at my husband I do it in private. Not in front of anyone else.
Isn't that true for all relationships-- parent/child, teacher/student, boss/employee? Yelling is not necessarily yelling, it is usually telling someone about the errors in their ways.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Isn't that true for all relationships-- parent/child, teacher/student, boss/employee? Yelling is not necessarily yelling, it is usually telling someone about the errors in their ways.
Or your perception that there was an error in their ways.

We often times tend to see these things as black & white, I was hurt so they were wrong or that made me upset so you should not have done that. But sometimes those things do not come from a place of right or wrong just from a different point of view or intention.

My wife is a very upbeat and positive person. She works at it with fervor and people flock to her because of it, but sometimes holding in her negative thoughts or feelings builds up and she wants to come home and let it out. Which is fine because I am her best friend and partner for life. But I am a fixer, that's what I do. Present a problem, I will craft up a perfect solution. But she does not want a solution, she wants a negativity receptacle so she can throw away her unhappy feelings. Since she speaks through a woman's voice and I hear through a man's ears I did not get that when we were newly married, which frustrated her even more. She did not or could not articulate it in a way that I was able to discern so she decided to just stop venting to me, which made me think everything was just happy-happy for her. Then when I saw that things weren't I started to interrogate her because I am a man and that is what we do. She of course said nothing was wrong because she is a woman and that is what they do. This created turmoil. Fortunately before we hopped on the crazy train we both took a step back, made it clear how we felt and what we needed from the other. Now, even many years later, when she wants to vent to me she will specifically say "Do you have time for a little catharsis?". If I do, and I try hard to make sure I do, I am going to sit there with my mouth shut and listen. I am not going to offer any thoughts or advice unless she specifically elicits it. Then I am going to hug her and remind her that she is wonderful, successful and her employer, co-workers, subordinates, etc. are lucky to have her. If she decides she actually wants my advice, she will specifically ask for it.
 

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My ex-wife's (a single mom w 2 kids) rules:

1) Kids come first.
2) When you have a problem with your husband, you should talk about it with everyone else and get their advice first, before you bring the issue up to your husband.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
My ex-wife's (a single mom w 2 kids) rules:

1) Kids come first.
2) When you have a problem with your husband, you should talk about it with everyone else and get their advice first, before you bring the issue up to your husband.
Well that explains why there's an "ex" before "wife".

My wife used to host a get-together every other Thursday evening with some of her lady friends, there was at least 7-8 of them that came over. Week after week, as the evening progressed, it would turn into a complain about your husband event. One night she had enough and told the group that she wanted some female fellowship not a report on what they did not like about their husbands. Everyone just sat around like they had nothing else to talk about. The following week only 3 ladies showed up. She stopped inviting people over. She now really only has a couple close, like minded, female friends and they get together once a month for Saturday morning coffee. They spend that time lifting each other up not tearing other people down. She always comes home happy.
 

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one night she had enough and told the group that she wanted some female fellowship not a report on what they did not like about their husbands. ...... The following week only 3 ladies showed up.
:( :( :( :( :(
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
She is friendly with all of those ladies, but she is only friends with one of them.

But the opposite is true too. I don't complain about my wife but I praise her every chance I get. Which has actually caused my boss some anguish as he is convinced my wife is perfect in every way and that his wife must be completely awful (which is almost true on both counts).
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
I wanted to share this story about the other night.

First off it's important to note that my wife and I text each other 10-15 times a day. We keep each other in the loop whenever possible. So anyway a couple days back I had a very hectic day. One of those work days that make you want to retire and weave baskets for craft fairs. My wife was working later than me so I was on dinner duty. Of course it just happened to work out on the menu that dinner was more labor intensive and was going to take more time than normal. By the time I was able to leave the office I was mentally drained and emotionally exhausted. Yet I was prepared to come home and start in on dinner right away so we could all sit down and enjoy a meal before we started transporting kids to various events at various times. I walked in the house, put away my gear and went to the kitchen to get to work. Just then I got a text from my wife saying "Don't sweat dinner, it's been taken care of". Minutes later the doorbell rang and a food delivery person was standing there. The meal and his tip was already covered. The gift receipt had a note on it that said "Thanks for all you do for our family". She walked in the door 10 minutes later with the rest of the kids and we sat down for some smoked brisket and chef salads. It's very easy to step up and be the man I am supposed to be when I have someone like that in my life. I don't shout it out because I am bragging or because I want other people to feel bad, I do so because I want everyone to have what I have. I want everyone to know what their marriages can be like. I hope you all are either experiencing this or will as soon as the right person comes along.
 

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I don't shout it out because I am bragging or because I want other people to feel bad, I do so because I want everyone to have what I have. I want everyone to know what their marriages can be like. I hope you all are either experiencing this or will as soon as the right person comes along.
That made me weep a tiny little bit.... I am so very, truly happy for you.
 

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Well that explains why there's an "ex" before "wife".

My wife used to host a get-together every other Thursday evening with some of her lady friends, there was at least 7-8 of them that came over. Week after week, as the evening progressed, it would turn into a complain about your husband event. One night she had enough and told the group that she wanted some female fellowship not a report on what they did not like about their husbands. Everyone just sat around like they had nothing else to talk about. The following week only 3 ladies showed up. She stopped inviting people over. She now really only has a couple close, like minded, female friends and they get together once a month for Saturday morning coffee. They spend that time lifting each other up not tearing other people down. She always comes home happy.
That's the way it should be. Conversations don't always have to be about other people.
 

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Or your perception that there was an error in their ways.
What? Do you mean my feelings and perceptions are not the arbiters of truth. Please say it ain't so! I'm offended now, so I must be right. You are worse than a racist you are a perception-ist. :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
What? Do you mean my feelings and perceptions are not the arbiters of truth. Please say it ain't so! I'm offended now, so I must be right. You are worse than a racist you are a perception-ist. :)
How dare you good Sir! :p

I remind people often that the definition of the word opinion does not require that belief to be correct or factual in any way. Those people have a hard time accepting that as a fact and think it is just my opinion. ;)

o·pin·ion
əˈpinyən/Submit
noun
1. A view or judgment formed about something, not necessarily based on fact or knowledge.
 

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How dare you good Sir! :p

I remind people often that the definition of the word opinion does not require that belief to be correct or factual in any way. Those people have a hard time accepting that as a fact and think it is just my opinion. ;)

o·pin·ion
əˈpinyən/Submit
noun
1. A view or judgment formed about something, not necessarily based on fact or knowledge.
Oh dear, now I have to go to my safe spot and color a puppy or something.
 

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Communication is the key to any good marriage and yes we have a good marriage because of it :) . We know we are both very lucky to have found each other and not kill each other as we are both so independent.

If we have a problem with each other on any subject we talk about it and sort through it calmly and rationally. We call this spirited debating, no not fighting as we both put our points of view across and come to a happy medium. What we consider fighting is tearing each other down in the conversation and we have seen this many times with close friends unfortunately.

In our friends circle we are considered quite strange by debating or discussing things with each other and they see it as fighting but not once do we ever put each other down. We are equal partners in everything.

Most of the ladies I know let their husbands make all the decisions which I find totally strange as what if something happens to the husband ?, they then are totally unable to cope at all.

Love, respect and communication are the keys to a very long and happy marriage in our view.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Communication is the key to any good marriage and yes we have a good marriage because of it :) . We know we are both very lucky to have found each other and not kill each other as we are both so independent.

If we have a problem with each other on any subject we talk about it and sort through it calmly and rationally. We call this spirited debating, no not fighting as we both put our points of view across and come to a happy medium. What we consider fighting is tearing each other down in the conversation and we have seen this many times with close friends unfortunately.

In our friends circle we are considered quite strange by debating or discussing things with each other and they see it as fighting but not once do we ever put each other down. We are equal partners in everything.

Most of the ladies I know let their husbands make all the decisions which I find totally strange as what if something happens to the husband ?, they then are totally unable to cope at all.

Love, respect and communication are the keys to a very long and happy marriage in our view.
Awesome. I am glad you found each other. When differing points of view become a reason to attack each other or drudge up old issues or mistakes, then you have bigger problems than just disagreeing on some mundane issue. Being able to disagree and discuss or debate in a healthy way is a sign of a mature relationship.

In my house we believe marriage is 51% vs 49%. Meaning at the end of the day if we cannot agree the final decision is mine. That does not make my wife frail, she is actually a very strong and dominate woman. But we believe that as I am the more logical being (as most men are) and she is more emotional (as most women are) that when reasonably discussion fails to end in compromise that we will default to the logical. That rarely happens however and when it has she has always said (in hindsight) that the right decision was made. But that extra 1% also comes with a greater responsibility to set aside my personal wants and needs for what is best for her and our children. My wife knows there is nothing in my life more important than her. Which is why she has this bullet blossom on her desk.

 

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I have been single all of my life. Did I miss out of anything?
Relationships are like relationships. I don't really date either, but if I ever meet up with a woman like y'all have, I am going to let her catch and domesticate me.
;)
 
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