Joke Of The Day

Discussion in 'General Chit-Chat' started by HarleyRider, Mar 25, 2010.

  1. HarleyRider

    HarleyRider Comic Relief Member

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    Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. but this is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. This will only become more commonplace.

    A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Lowe's, Home Depot, or Costco customers. This one caught me by surprise. Ladies, please let your husband/partner know of this scam.

    Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

    Here's how the scam works:

    Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their tops almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is almost impossible not to look..

    When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds. If you agree, they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen Sept 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also on Oct 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 28th, and three times last Monday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

    So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for$1.99 at K-Mart and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Lowe's, Home Depot, and Costco. :eek:
     
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2010

  2. TechAdmin

    TechAdmin Administrator Staff Member

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    What's the world coming to? Where did this happen? What time do I... should I not be there?
     
  3. bunkerbob

    bunkerbob Supporting Member

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    A Letter To Jesse James:
    You Stupid Bastard! You cheated on Sandra Bullock?
    How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world.
    She has a body to die for, and her current wealth shadowed only by Oprah.
    Your wife, recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now named " America 's Sweetheart."
    You also remember, she just won an Oscar and praised you up and down in front of the world while you were porkin’ away.
    You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated ******* cheater on the planet!
    How can you live with yourself!
    I only have one thing to say to the despicable, miserable, cheating piece of crap that you are.


    Thanks for taking the heat off of me.
    Let’s do lunch.
    ~Tiger
     
  4. gypsysue

    gypsysue The wanderer

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    *laugh laugh laugh*

    Thanks, bunkerbob!
     
  5. UncleJoe

    UncleJoe Well-Known Member

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    :D :D :D
    You've been on a roll lately Bob. Maybe we need a humor category to help us all take the edge off the day. ;)
     
  6. HarleyRider

    HarleyRider Comic Relief Member

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    Hillbilly Vasectomy

    After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed.

    So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin did not want to have any more children.

    The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but was very expensive.

    "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it,
    put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

    The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb
    in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.

    "Trust me," said the doctor.

    So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.

    He held the can up to his ear and began to count....

    "1"

    "2"

    "3"

    "4"

    "5


    At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.




    This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, Mississippi, Missouri, West Virginia and some parts of Texas. :eek: :D
     
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2010
  7. HarleyRider

    HarleyRider Comic Relief Member

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    True Love

    GREAT LOVE STORY........

    I will seek and find you.

    I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

    I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

    I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

    I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when

    I'm finished with you.

    And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

    All my love,



    The Flu :D
     
  8. HarleyRider

    HarleyRider Comic Relief Member

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    Never Choke In A Restaurant In The South

    Two hillbillies walk into a bar.
    While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation.

    Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

    After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
    "Kin ya swallar?"
    The woman shakes her head "no".
    "Kin ya breathe?"
    The woman begins to turn blue and
    shakes her head "no".

    The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks
    down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his
    tongue.

    The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

    As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

    His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seen nobody do it!" :eek: :2thumb:
     
  9. gypsysue

    gypsysue The wanderer

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    California vs. Texas

    The Governors are jogging with their dog along a nature trail, each in their own state. A
    coyote jumps out and attacks the dog.

    California :

    #1. The Governor starts to intervene, reflects upon the movie "Bambi"
    and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is
    natural.

    #2. He calls animal control. Animal control captures coyote and
    spends $200 testing it for diseases and $500 upon relocating it.

    #3. He calls his veterinarian. Vet collects dead dog and spends $200
    testing it for diseases.

    #4.. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for
    diseases from the coyote and on getting bite wound bandaged.

    #5. The Running trail gets shut down for 6 months while wildlife
    services conduct a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is clear
    of dangerous animals.

    #6. The Governor spends $50,000 of state funds implementing a "coyote
    awareness" program for residents of the area.

    #7. The State legislature spends $2 million investigating how to better
    handle rabies and how to possibly eradicate the disease.

    #8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack
    and for letting the Governor intervene.

    #9. Cost: $75,000 to train new security agent.

    #10.. PETA protests the coyote relocation and files suit against the
    state.

    Texas :

    #1. The Governor shoots the coyote and keeps jogging. Governor has spent
    $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge. Buzzards eat dead
    coyote.


    Any wonder why California is broke????
     
  10. horseman09

    horseman09 Well-Known Member

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    Hey, harleyrider, that wasn't Alabama, it was Pennsylvania, and how did you find out?! My medical records are supposed to be confidential! :eek:

    Gypsiesue, good one. True too.
     
  11. gypsysue

    gypsysue The wanderer

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    Think it would help if we printed these and dropped airloads of them along the Mexican border...? For the illegals only, though. I have no problems with people who obey the law, no matter what race they are.

    [​IMG]
     
  12. gypsysue

    gypsysue The wanderer

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    Okay, maybe the map wasn't terribly funny. Is this better?

    [​IMG]
     
  13. gypsysue

    gypsysue The wanderer

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    OH! HELL, Let's Just Offend Everybody!



    Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?

    A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.



    Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

    A. A different bar.



    Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly- haired baby?

    A. Sum Ting Wong .



    Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

    A. A speech impediment.



    Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?

    A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.



    Q. Why do Driver's Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?

    A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.



    Q. What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?

    A. The Southern zoo has a description of the animal ... Along with a recipe.



    Q. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?

    A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'



    Q. What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale???

    A. A Northern fairytale begins, ...'Once upon a time...'

    A Southern fairytale begins, ... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****.'



    Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

    A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump, or swim are already in the United States
     
    tulman likes this.
  14. horseman09

    horseman09 Well-Known Member

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    gypsysue, ROFLMAO. Oh! I forgot. I am insulted. Nay, OFFENDED! :mad: I am German-Irish, and you discriminated against me because you did not tell any Kraut jokes. Whatsamatta? Don't you like Germans?

    I'll forgive you because, to be honest, I don't know any German jokes either. Not fair. But if you know any, it is your civic responsibility to share with the rest of us.
     
  15. HarleyRider

    HarleyRider Comic Relief Member

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    :2thumb:. Looks like I'd better find some more material to post. ;)
     
  16. gypsysue

    gypsysue The wanderer

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    horseman09...you need but ask! (btw, I'm German/Swiss/Irish! We're practically kin!)


    A house, inhabited by a Greek on ground level, an Italian on first floor and a German on second, got on fire. Who survived?

    The German. He was out practicing marching.


    Here's another: (from the Hamburg airport traffic control tower)

    "Tower, British Airways one-seven, completed rollout, awaiting further instructions."

    "British Airways one-seven, this is Hamburg ground, clear to taxi to Gate Seven."

    "Roger, Hamburg ground, request directions to Gate Seven."

    "British Airways one-seven, have you never been to Hamburg before?"

    "Yes, a number of times, Hamburg ground, in 1944, but we did not stop!"


    And more:

    Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a German?

    A. A Beaner-Schnitzel ...


    Q: How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast?

    A. They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving


    Had enough? :D :D
     
  17. HarleyRider

    HarleyRider Comic Relief Member

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    There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

    The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

    Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

    Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

    The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

    Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5. :eek:
     
  18. HarleyRider

    HarleyRider Comic Relief Member

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    The Game Show

    On a famous TV game show A BLONDE contestant needed only to answer one more question. One simple question stood between her and ONE MILLION DOLLARS!

    "To be today's champion," the show's smiling host intoned, "name two of Santa's reindeer."

    The contestant, gave a sigh of relief, gratified that she had drawn such an easy question. "Rudolph!" she said confidently, "and, ...Olive!"

    The studio audience started to applaud (as the little sign above their heads said to do) but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, and the confused host replied, "Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain... 'Olive?!?'".

    "You know," the woman circled her hand forward impatiently and began to sing, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer - had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. *Olive,* the other reindeer..."

    :rolleyes::D
     
  19. HarleyRider

    HarleyRider Comic Relief Member

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    Why Am I Married?

    You have two choices in life:
    You can stay single and be miserable,
    or get married and wish you were dead.

    At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
    "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
    "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

    A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted".
    Next day, she received a hundred letters.
    They all said the same thing:
    "You can have mine."

    When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge
    than to let her keep him.

    A woman is incomplete until she is married.
    Then she is finished.

    A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost
    to get married?"
    Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

    A young son asked, "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa,
    a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
    Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

    Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real
    happiness was until I got married and by then, it was too late."

    Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

    If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
    word you say -- talk in your sleep.

    Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
    thinking they had no faults at all.

    First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
    Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

    A Woman's Prayer:
    Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man, to Love and to
    forgive him, and for patience for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray
    for Strength I'll just beat him to death"

    AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!

    Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
    A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives,
    they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able
    to fit onto the bus.

    So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the
    husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he
    taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of
    rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

    The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR
    stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up." :eek:


    Come on, gypsysue... next! :beercheer: