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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Finally it is over though, or at least as far as I'm concerned it is.

Over the last year or so, I got wrapped up in one of the most frustrating and irritating situations I have seen in my life. I promised to not air ANY identifying personal details, but I just feel like spitting out a synopsis here to get it out of my head. Yes, I am using the forum for therapy:p

First of all, I got roped in because I knew the people involved only vaguely but was tangentially involved in the start of their relationship, and then later on I saw things that I wish never had happened to say the least. Probably getting too personal, will try less detail.

Woman gets married to police officer in U.S, moves far away from family to his home area. Man is over the top nice to her and her family, her family loves him. They have kids.

Man's behaviour behind closed doors (occasionally witnessed by others) is erratic and controlling but it is only because "He just loves her sooo much":rolleyes:

Verbal "abuse" turns physical, not vicious, but definitely physical and one sided.

Woman reaches out for help, says to everyone that she is not perfect but wants to fix things, tries to go to couples counseling, he won't. He says that could affect his career, constantly tells her that if she tells ANYONE his career and life will be over and it will be her fault.

Situation escalates to her breaking down and calling the police after an incident (where he works). And ... they do nothing. He volunteers to spend the night elsewhere and a LEO (witnessed) tells her that she might be over-reacting, stress blah blah blah, and that if they make anything formal his career is in jeopardy.

From there is where it gets insane. I watched a man that I respected (without knowing too well) turn into a monster (at least as far as his wife was concerned).

While she thought reaching out to the authorities would be a traumatic experience for them both, she thought it would be a wake-up call for him, to see that what he was doing was not ok. Instead, he just laughed it off, and when the same thing happened again the abuse just got worse, taking the verbal and mental abuse and manipulation to heights I am not deranged enough to even think of. Ie; hiding keys from her, swapping food items (salt with sugar, etc), and on and on. He and his "buddies" just laughed it all off as jokes while this mother was trying to function and deal with constant verbal bashing.

Ok, getting way too caught up again...

SO, eventually it ends up in the courts, and looong story short every lawyer says the only way for her to really get justice is with the threat of going public. Police representatives also make it fairly clear that they are willing to make concessions, as long as things are kept out of the media.:mad: Mother makes it clear that she is not going to do that(go to the media), because of her kids. Right decision or not I'm still not sure, but hers to make.

So .... through all this I have been trying to do my best to help her (and initially him too) deal with this, from a long ways away. I have found it taking up an inordinate amount of my time and patience, and somehow worming it's way into my mind over and over when I had a million other things to deal with. But all is settled and done now, once the relationship was ending he expressed remorse (not publicly but to her and a few "outsiders" like me). He was, to my knowledge, never abusive to the kids and will be seeing them, she will of course be hyper vigilant of them.

Anyways, I am out of this B.S, back to my own family, friends and life. Not that I neglected them, many of them didn't even know about this, but I have never had something following me around like this and hope to never again.
 

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I had a few years in the ministry. I saw this happen over and over and over again. Unfortunately the victim aids in the situation by enabling it to continue. My guess is that it isn't over yet. Time will tell.

Watch out for your own welfare first.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I had a few years in the ministry. I saw this happen over and over and over again. Unfortunately the victim aids in the situation by enabling it to continue. My guess is that it isn't over yet. Time will tell.

Watch out for your own welfare first.
I don't worry much about my own welfare, but I do worry about those around me. I feel like I haven't done as much for family and friends this past year as I might have otherwise, and have been a bit more distracted and irritable.

Trying to learn from the experience I think the fact that it was happening so far away is what made it particularly difficult for me to help/deal with.

She was actually surprising pragmatic imo, despite all the emotional stuff. She put up with a bunch of stuff at first, but she was quick to admit she wasn't perfect either. When things started to get out of hand (and she felt the kids were noticing) she made it clear that something had to be done. What she didn't expect was the lack of response from others without going "public".

Before this mess, I had a very different view on how these things were treated these days. I know people who had harsher reactions from a shouting match than this guy got for what he did. In the old days around here, people didn't go to the courts for stuff like this, but it was NOT a joking matter.

Obviously she is going to have interactions with him in the future, but I am out of it. She is in a different location and has some support locally now.
 

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I invented the internet. :rofl:
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While I was a pastor at a small Midwestern town we had a woman from our congregation come to us for help. Her husband was abusive but he was also best buddies with the local police (all four of them). When she reported the abuse his cop buddies threatened to take her child away and claim she was an unfit mother. The church board voted to buy her a bus ticket back to her parent's home and gave her the retainer fee for a lawyer once she got there. She left the next day while hubby was at work.

Anyone who thinks small town cops are great has never lived in a small town. Some cops are okay but there's a lot of cronyism going on behind the scenes. I've seen similar events happen many times in small towns.
 

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There is a place in Hell for me...the THRONE.
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Not to further heartache over this situation but there is a tread when abusive men can move the women in their life away from their families. My dad has reminded me time and time again that when a man and woman marry the husband 'leaves' his family to join with his wife and hers. This is not how it seems to happen anymore. Even in non abusive marriages this still seems to be the norm.

When K and I first married he tried to pull me away from my family and immerse me in his own. It wasn't until Roo was a few years old he understood that the only real support our tiny family would ever have was from my family. His actually tried to make him divorce me and take Roo or they would dump him. I still have the letter from his sisters and brother telling him to make a choice. They had the gall to send it during the holidays back in 2014. Great way to say "happy holidays" to your brother.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
While I was a pastor at a small Midwestern town we had a woman from our congregation come to us for help. Her husband was abusive but he was also best buddies with the local police (all four of them). When she reported the abuse his cop buddies threatened to take her child away and claim she was an unfit mother. The church board voted to buy her a bus ticket back to her parent's home and gave her the retainer fee for a lawyer once she got there. She left the next day while hubby was at work.

Anyone who thinks small town cops are great has never lived in a small town. Some cops are okay but there's a lot of cronyism going on behind the scenes. I've seen similar events happen many times in small towns.
This was not a big city or a small town by my definition, what I would call a small city.

Something very similar happened to her though, went out for a drink with friends that came for support, when they were separated, and the police do a walk-through (coincidental or not). One of them takes a picture of her (on duty) and posts it on social media, when I saw the post I couldn't believe it. Shortly after she receives a visit from CPS. If I had read this story in a book I would have thought it ridiculous. :(

Not to further heartache over this situation but there is a tread when abusive men can move the women in their life away from their families. My dad has reminded me time and time again that when a man and woman marry the husband 'leaves' his family to join with his wife and hers. This is not how it seems to happen anymore. Even in non abusive marriages this still seems to be the norm.

When K and I first married he tried to pull me away from my family and immerse me in his own. It wasn't until Roo was a few years old he understood that the only real support our tiny family would ever have was from my family. His actually tried to make him divorce me and take Roo or they would dump him. I still have the letter from his sisters and brother telling him to make a choice. They had the gall to send it during the holidays back in 2014. Great way to say "happy holidays" to your brother.
That might be a part of why I got so involved too. My S.O moved here from a very different place and lifestyle, with none of her family and friends close by. Moving for me was never really an option due to my relationship with this land, she knew that the day we met. She had some tough times over the years because she had a big support system before moving. There was a bit of culture shock and homesickness. On the other hand, she and my family meshed very well, and when we have had troubles in the past it was very clear that they were there for her.

If I pulled that kind of sh!t I have no doubt about how my family would react. :club:
 
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