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3,183 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
An elderly man is stopped by the police around
1 a. m.
and is asked where he is going at
this time of night.
The man replies,
“I am going to a lecture about alcohol
abuse and the effects it has on the human body”.
The officer then asks,
“Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”
The man replies,
“My wife.”

AND another !!!!

I just received this from my friend Ed. He said:

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!',

and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, She barely said good morning, let alone

' Happy Birthday.'

Ed continues…

Well, that's marriage for you. But the kids...they will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss,

and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know,

it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday. What do you say we go out to lunch,

just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro

with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day...

we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?' She said,

'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,

'Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.

I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out

carrying a huge birthday cake ... followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends

and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And here was my big mistake, I just sat there....

On the couch....



performing monkey
4,230 Posts
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very expensive restaurant this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," storms the wife. "I've had enough! I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a friend of theirs enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier!" says the wife.

3,183 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

.....and how was your day?

3,183 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
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