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Diary? Running log of stupid.

Where does one start when all they can see is failure? How does one come to terms when they have failed so many? In 1984 I met someone that I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. Between us we created a fabulous child that while unexpected was a blessing. I did everything wrong during those years and let both of them slip away due to my own arrogance and attempts to prove a point. Over the years I have never forgotten either of them and they often fill my thoughts during the days that pass.

I know that what is done is what is done. I never planned or expected that this would be the way things worked out. I knew what a broken home could do to someone. I knew that the choices I was making were wrong yet could not seem to correct the path that my journey was following. I had no control over what path I was taking no matter how much I thought I did.

After we each went our separate ways I went out of my way to be difficult. It was not because I wanted to. It was because I need to prove a point. Not sure who I was proving that too but it seemed the only way to soften the pain. Clearly, it was the wrong way to travel, yet I could not seem to correct the direction that I was heading.

I fell into a pattern of drinking to soften the pain that continues to this day. I have been blessed with two wonderful sons. One I do not see now even though I later reached out to him. I can understand why. I was acting like an ass. I hurt him and I hurt his mother. I loved them both. I still do. For whatever reason I was not able to be a father in an appropriate manner until many years later and at that point it was too late. It is understandable to be sure. Sadly, as I creep and follow along from a distance, I learn about him and his son. It is beautiful to see the two of them together, to see what I could have been, to see the possibilities for them in the future, and where I failed in such a stellar fashion.

I failed.

At this point in my life I cannot correct my failures. I do have a few children that I see frequently that I try to treat as if I had taken the appropriate path toward fatherhood. A couple of them do not have fathers so I try to be for them what I was not for my own in hopes that when the day comes I must confess my sins and failures that there will be hope and understanding for me and at some point forgiveness.

At this point I am not sure why I am writing this. I suppose it is due to confronting who I am as opposed to who I would like to be. It is an admission of failure and a hope for forgiveness. Maybe, just maybe, there will be that when I reach those pearly gates that I have heard of. Maybe there won't be. Maybe, this is the confession of a failed spirit that just was not as smart as he thought he was.

At any rate, this is today's log. More to enter tomorrow if there is one. I suppose we never know and should live each day to its fullest because in reality tomorrow might not actually come.

I am not sure this is relevant to anything. It might be since I can see where it reflect on the thought process in a shtf situation. If nothing more it is simply a confession of stupid I seem to have the need to post.

:sorry1:

Wanted to add something. Just one of those days. Pardon the interruption.

 

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Void where Prohibited
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I have a similar sort of story, although I don't beat myself up daily over it.
This made a very large positive change in my life and they way I see myself.

Give it a try. Go slow like it suggests.

For me, the first chapter was what I needed.

http://www.baytallaah.com/bookspdf/51.pdf
 

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Winston Smith Sent Me
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I also made a lot of mistakes in my first marriage. I think we both did and learned a lot from it. One thing we did right, mostly by luck, is not have a kid. I learned a lot and those lessons have helped me to contribute to my current loving marriage by always trying to bring the best of myself to my wife and our life together. I feel very fortunate I have a wife that does the same and helps me to do so. I certainly dont want to have to learn those lessons again by losing what I cherish today.
 

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I see a shitload of lack of accepting responsibility for your own past actions in your OP. Live up to your failings, we all fail. It's not whether a man(or woman) fails, failure is inevitable, it is how a man reacts to his failures that is the true measure of a man.

Don't dwell in the past, that is a loser's game. If you want to change your past, start by changing today because tomorrow, this day will be in your past. Don't waste today or another day wallowing in your past failures, make today the day you start to become the man you have always wanted to be.

Yes, you can become that man.

Becoming the man you know you should be isn't easy, it's hard, painful and filled with work, and you can handle all of that. You obviously have the pain part down, I read it in your opening remarks, so what's the problem with doing painful work to become a better man. The hard part is accepting responsibility for being the one that lead you to this point in your life. Accept your position, get over it and move on. The work comes in getting yourself right and getting right with others that you have shortchanged over the years. Only the better you can do the last.

Will you be able to make everything right? Absolutely not, but you can work diligently to make you right and that is the beginning of transforming your life and the lives of your loved ones into the life that you had hoped for.

Now get busy.
 

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Cowboy
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We all make mistakes that have affected others! I know of only one Man that didn't make any mistakes and they still hung him!

Devil loves to bring up our past! You're no good because remember back 10 years when you did...and how about a week ago when you...

It's what you do today that counts!

If your children will speak to you, a one on one apology for the idiot you was is a start. If they believe you or not is up to them and your future actions. If they will not speak to you then a sincere letter from you and a card on their Birthdays.

On a lighter note. If we was perfect our Employers couldn't afford to pay us and nobody could stand to be around us.
 

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I have only been married once, but I was in two serious (3-4 year) relationships prior to finding my wife. Both of them were roller coasters with some ups, some downs and a few derailments. I imagined at some point of both relationships that they would end up in marriage but neither did. The first one was very passionate but also very tumultuous. She was headstrong and quick tempered. We butted heads a lot and struggled to find compromise on even little things. Eventually I came to realize that we were never going to be happy together and we parted ways. The second relationship could not have been more different. She was nearly docile, had few opinions about anything and was more concerned about hair & makeup than politics or world events. She was arm candy that was 99% emotion and 1% logical thought. That was fine for a while and made my buddies jealous, but after awhile it was just "empty". A few years later I was convinced that I was never going to find Mrs. Right and all but gave up even trying, focusing solely on my career. Then one 911 call brought me face to face with a woman more headstrong than girlfriend #1 and more beautiful than girlfriend #2. We were married less than 9 months after our first date and could not be happier over two decades later. This was/is in large part to my adjusting my attitudes, learning from my past mistakes, not falling back into old bad habits and focusing on her and her needs more than my own. I have found that her happiness is the fuel that keeps our relationship running. And she would tell you the opposite is true. When I look back those first two relationships and the periods without seem more like trial and failure training to help make the me the person I was when the right one came along. Those failures lead me down the road to where I was perhaps destined to end up. Those roads tempered me to be the man my now wife was looking for. She did not make it easy for me at first either, but once I was in I was all in.

I will also add that you are more than the sum of your past mistakes and there is never a point in which you cannot redeem yourself. The path of every successful person is riddled with failure. The path of every happy person is riddled with life lessons learned the hard way. In fact the happiest people I know often choose to be happy in spite of their circumstances. Until they put you in a box and bury you in the ground you have the opportunity to make things right and have a better today and a brighter future. And by the way the only requirement to get through those gates you mentioned is belief, no one is keeping score like old school religiosity would have you believe. That was all taken care of at the cross. Their is no guilt, shame or condemnation in the man who died for you. There is only hope, mercy and grace.
 

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Dogs breath
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"And by the way the only requirement to get through those gates you mentioned is belief, no one is keeping score like old school religiosity would have you believe. That was all taken care of at the cross. Their is no guilt, shame or condemnation in the man who died for you. There is only hope, mercy and grace."

That right there is the best solution.

Jim
 

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Some harsh truths

"Self pity is easily the most destructive of the non-pharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality."
― John Gardner

"He did not know how long it took, but later he looked back on this time of crying in the corner of the dark cave and thought of it as when he learned the most important rule of survival, which was that feeling sorry for yourself didn't work. It wasn't just that it was wrong to do, or that it was considered incorrect. It was more than that--it didn't work."
― Gary Paulsen, Hatchet

"Take a drink because you pity yourself, and then the drink pities you and has a drink, and then two good drinks get together and that calls for drinks all around."
― H. Beam Piper:cheers:

It's all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again. Just be sure to flush when you are finished.
 

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Take it to the foot of the cross and leave it there. Make amends best you can, ask for forgiveness, then focus on being the man God created you to be. The only thing worse than allowing the devil to steal your wife & kids from you is to allow him to steal your future. Your not dead yet so you still have work to do on this earth. Get busy!
 
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