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Old 07-25-2017, 01:59 AM   #2301
hashbrown
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I'm turning 49 in a couple of weeks and I thought I had lost all the appeal and charm I used to have with the ladies, until today that is. At my local gas station, the pretty young girl who has served me every other day or so for several weeks asked for my number. I was taken aback. I explained how I was flattered but was perhaps a bit too old for her and that if I were 30 or so years younger, and single, I would happily take her up on her offer, I explained how love and sexual attraction, when intertwined, can be exciting and that I am happily married and asked that she save her love for someone who will truly care for her and respect her not only as a woman, but as a person.
"No," she said. "Your pump number, sir."



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Old 07-25-2017, 02:12 AM   #2302
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I'm turning 49 in a couple of weeks and I thought I had lost all the appeal and charm I used to have with the ladies, until today that is. At my local gas station, the pretty young girl who has served me every other day or so for several weeks asked for my number. I was taken aback. I explained how I was flattered but was perhaps a bit too old for her and that if I were 30 or so years younger, and single, I would happily take her up on her offer, I explained how love and sexual attraction, when intertwined, can be exciting and that I am happily married and asked that she save her love for someone who will truly care for her and respect her not only as a woman, but as a person.
"No," she said. "Your pump number, sir."
Baaaa haaaa that's great.


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Old 08-12-2017, 03:25 AM   #2303
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There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.

The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't pizz out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...

Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose....



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Old 08-12-2017, 05:23 PM   #2304
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I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60+ year-old.

In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking…maybe she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?

'What's that?' I asked

'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

As my mind began to embrace the idea, I wondered what her daughter might look like.

I said, 'No, I haven't.'

We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'Tonight's your lucky night.'

We went back to her place. We walked in
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?'

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Old 08-12-2017, 06:06 PM   #2305
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A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab. The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? - Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady. I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."

The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or ass, sweetie, what are you doing then?"

He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself,'Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?

Now, that's a REAL Businessman!

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Old 08-15-2017, 01:55 AM   #2306
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As a bagpiper, I play many gigs Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently, I'm still lost … it's a man thing.


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Old 08-15-2017, 12:06 PM   #2307
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Quote:
Originally Posted by phideaux View Post
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently, I'm still lost … it's a man thing.


Jim
Instead of a Bagpipe Player I heard the joke told as the new Preacher in the community. Still hilarious either way.


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